I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
