i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
