How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
