Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
this hospital has no fireball
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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