Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
