I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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