Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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