i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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