I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
