I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
