god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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