I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
