My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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