I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize