her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
