i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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