I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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