The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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