I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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