Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
