I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
