This beer is not sobering me up at all
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
