you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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