I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
