this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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