Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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