Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
