Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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