i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
