the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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