are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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