is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
