I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
