Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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