I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
