i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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