Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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