I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
