She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
