I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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