so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
