Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
