My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
