Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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