once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
