I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
