New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
