his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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