Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I can text with my tongue
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
