I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
