I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
