her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
