If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
