Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
