Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
