Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
