the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
