I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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