his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
