I cut my penus on the lid.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
