he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
