I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
