Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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